To Live Like You Are Dying

What would you do at age 20 if you found out you had heart disease? Would you change your entire life? Would your world be completely changed? How would your out look on life change? Would you be angry with God or be understanding? How would your life be? Just think for awhile and try to picture just how everything would change.

January 7th was the day that my world got turned in a whirl wind. I learned I had postural orthostatic tachycardia syndrome. Basically, my lower heart first get enough blood flow back which sends signals to my brain making me faint. Heart disease runs in my family so I was generally fine with it at first.

Over time I got to thinking and realized I was angry, very angry. I didn't understand why this was happening to me. I didn't get why God would put this burden on me. I honestly thought of my heart disease as a burden. I'd do anything to have it taken away, but it don't work like that.

The as I continued to think I realized I was scared to death of this heart disease. When I was 18 my 29 year old cousin had died because his heart stopped. This happened because of a virus that attacked his heart when he was  24 years old. The attack made his heart enlarge to the size of a football. Slowly, but surely his heart went down, never back to normal size it was always enlarged since the attack. This scares me because the thoughts of am I next happens. The fear can drive you to be a complete bitch to everyone around you. I hated how I was always on edge and mean to everyone, things had to change effort I lost everyone that mattered the most to me.

After many conversations with God and hours of praying. I decided I was going to change everything. I decided to live everyday to the fullest and not let things pass me by. Honesty I meet know when my last day is; could be tomorrow, could be 5 years, could be 25 years, could be another 80 years. With this type of thing you never know you've just got to do things now while you can before its too late. I decided that I've got to love those most important to me because they could be gone tomorrow. You never know what could happen to anyone. I've decided to do things in the moment and not let opportunities pass me buy no matter what try are. 

Thing have been rough the last 7 months. I've thought a lot about life, God, love and myself. I'm learning to love myself, love others better, and love life. It's a journey that's only just begun.

Love always,

Amanda