Life Has to End, Love Doesn't

I've grown accustom to loss. Nothing has ever stayed around long in my life besides my family. It's sad, it's hard; but, after so long your heart becomes hardened and loss isn't so hard anymore. But there's always one loss that stays with you. It's there everyday. You always think about it. People say time heals all, but not this kind of loss can be healed.

I was almost 16 when I got the news. Lung cancer, stage 3. My aunt had lung cancer. Stage 3, there wasn't much hope in my heart. All I knew was I was going to love her through it. I got to spend 16 more months with my aunt. They were great, hard, but great. Rounds of chemo change a person, it's extremely hard to see the physical changes from chemo. The hardest part is you never get those images out of your mind. They haunt you.

My aunt Sherri taught me everything. My love for photography started with one of her project whims. She was the best Girl Scout leader a young girl could ask for. She had the funnest sleepovers at her house. In fact, she use to let me watch Maury at age 7. She was the cool, the fun, the free spirit aunt.

She light up a room like the 4th of July. She was strong as a rock and never backed down to anyone, even though she was barely 5 foot. She was the bravest woman I ever knew. She was Sherri Ann. She once rode a motorcycle through her high school. She was a wild one, but an amazing one. She was some where between raising hell and saving grace.

I loved her for everything she was, everything he had been, and everything she would be today. She was a role model, a hero, a friend, and my world growing up.




16 months of battling cancer took its tole on her. She fought with everything she was. I thought I lost everything when I lost her. It's been 4 years, still feels like just yesterday it happened. I think about her everyday. I miss her everyday. I can still feel her around me. I know she's proud of me. When someone means that much to you and is that important in your life you don't forget them. You don't let them go, even I you wanted too. Even though they are gone they will always be a huge and important part of your life.

"Lost love is still love. It just takes a different form, that's all. You can't see their smile or bring them food or tousle their hair or move then around a dance floor. But when those senses weaken, another heightens. Memory. Memory becomes your partner. You nurture it. You hold it. You dance it. Life has to end, love doesn't." -Mitch Albom

Ain't Nothin' I Know of Like a Night at the County Fair

Yesterday I enjoyed the county fair with my 4 wonderful nieces. We had a blast at family fun day. There was nothing those girls didn't take on and have a ball doing. Here's how our day went.

First we took on the barns and look at all the animals. Hollee, of course, wouldn't leave her Uncle Gareth's side. While at the same time Bella Boo was stuck to me like glue. Going through the barns with the little girls was fun and so cute. They would point out each animal and make the noise that that animal makes. Hollee loved to point out the baby cows.


Next we played in the sand box for an hour or so. The girls loved to dig. Their favorite part was getting Uncle Gareth in the sand box with them to play. They love him so much. It was so cute watching the girls try to dig to the bottom of the sand box; they would start a hole, then sand would fall in and they would just keep trying.

We headed over to the exhibit building to compete in the cookie stacking contest. All 4 of the girls competed and had a blast. Little Hollee could barely see the table top, she got a stack of about 5 or 6 cookies. I'd say that was pretty great for a 2 year old. Bella Boo had a stack of about 5. She was so proud of herself. Gracie Marie had about 11 cookies. Emilee had 15 cookies and went on to the finals, but in the finals her stack fell over before the 3 seconds. They didn't win, but they sure had fun.

The girls ate lunch and then was the watermelon feed. The girls each ate about two pieces of watermelon each. They loved it. They were absolutely cute eating their watermelon. 

Next was the open pet show. Gracie showed her bunny and had a ball. She can't wait until she is old enough to show in 4H. Emilee also showed in the open pet show just for fun since she showed her rabbit for real the day before. The pet show was fun for the girls. I did Bella Boo's hair and got her ready for the little princess contest



We headed back to the exhibit building for Bella to compete in the little princess contest. They asked her what her name was and she said "Boo Boo" it was so cute. She had a blast up there and loved it. She didn't win, but that's not what matters. What matters is they had fun.

We then headed over to see papa at the pie judging contest, which was over. The girls got some pie and were all in heaven. They all ate their pie and wanted more.

I surprised the girls with tickets to the inflatables. Hollee and Bella Boo went in the jump house. They jumped for at least ten minutes and never got tired. They were so happy. Emilee didn't want to jump so she gave her ticket to Gracie. Gracie went through two different inflatables and had a blast.

Then the girls got their faces painted by the 4H'ers. Gracie got 4H and a mustache. Emilee got a mustache. Bella Boo and Hollee Sue both got bunny faces.


The girls were all going to compete in the hot dog eating contest, but two of the 4 were too little. So we went to the kiddie tractor pull. Bella pulled about 3 feet, but she hasn't mastered the art of riding a bike yet. Gracie's pull was weighted down pretty well and being a whole 50 pound 7 year old she pulled 17 feet. I was so proud of her. 

We ended the night at family fun night. The little girls role stick horses and played with cones. The older girls played water wars, pass through the hula hoop, and tug of war. All of the girls had a blast. They all had smiles on their faces the entire night.

It was a great day with the girls. I loved seeing them so happy all day long. They had a blast. I'm sure they all love the fair even more now that they got to have so much fun. I can't wait until next year with the girls.


 Love always,
Amanda

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Nothing Sweeter Than The County Fair

This weekend is my home town's county fair. For an ex 4H'er the county fair is one thing you are always drawn to. I have always loved the fair since I was little and will always love the fair. My dad is on the fair board and is the rabbit superintendent. When I was in 4H I showed: rabbits, chickens, my dog, and a feeder pen of sheep. I loved showing. It was something I always looked forward too. Besides showing I always did projects and took photography to be judged and exhibited in the fair. 

Out growing 4H was hard. It was hard going to the fair and not being able to show or have projects in the fair. My dad always tried to get me to put my photography in the fair in the open class. I was always to scared to showcase my photography. This year was different. My freshman year of college I took a photography class which had made me more confident in my photography. Also, I've been shooting a lot more and getting a better feel for my new camera. I have recently started a page for my photography and been showcasing it online. 

This year I put projects and photography in the open class at the county fair. I entered 2 color photography exhibits, 4 black and white photography exhibits (which I developed myself), a wedding garter set I made and some burlap roses. I got 5 reds and 3 blues. It's not the best, but at least I didn't get a white. (Ribbons go from best to worst; purple, blue, red and white) I feel a little let down because I love my photography so much and it just feels like a blow that I didn't do as well as I thought I was going to do. I'm excited to do more photography and have more entries next year and more projects.

During the fair I helped a lot with the rabbit and poultry show, since that is my dad's area and I am an elder in the field. The kids really seemed to enjoy my help and appreciated all the stuff I was teaching them before the show. During the show I took pictures for my dad and the fair.  It was my nieces first year showing, she only had two rabbits this year. She received two blues, reserve grand champion lop, and grand champion costume class. I was really proud of her.

The fair is half way over, still two more days of the fair left. Tomorrow is family fun day. I plan to spend the day with my nieces and have a ball. I can't wait. I have to help my dad with some more competitions, but it's the pie contest so should be a breeze. Keep you updated on the fair.

All photos are from this years fair that I have taken during the fair.

Please go to my photography website and become a fan by liking the page.
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Love always,
Amanda

To Live Like You Are Dying

What would you do at age 20 if you found out you had heart disease? Would you change your entire life? Would your world be completely changed? How would your out look on life change? Would you be angry with God or be understanding? How would your life be? Just think for awhile and try to picture just how everything would change.

January 7th was the day that my world got turned in a whirl wind. I learned I had postural orthostatic tachycardia syndrome. Basically, my lower heart first get enough blood flow back which sends signals to my brain making me faint. Heart disease runs in my family so I was generally fine with it at first.

Over time I got to thinking and realized I was angry, very angry. I didn't understand why this was happening to me. I didn't get why God would put this burden on me. I honestly thought of my heart disease as a burden. I'd do anything to have it taken away, but it don't work like that.

The as I continued to think I realized I was scared to death of this heart disease. When I was 18 my 29 year old cousin had died because his heart stopped. This happened because of a virus that attacked his heart when he was  24 years old. The attack made his heart enlarge to the size of a football. Slowly, but surely his heart went down, never back to normal size it was always enlarged since the attack. This scares me because the thoughts of am I next happens. The fear can drive you to be a complete bitch to everyone around you. I hated how I was always on edge and mean to everyone, things had to change effort I lost everyone that mattered the most to me.

After many conversations with God and hours of praying. I decided I was going to change everything. I decided to live everyday to the fullest and not let things pass me by. Honesty I meet know when my last day is; could be tomorrow, could be 5 years, could be 25 years, could be another 80 years. With this type of thing you never know you've just got to do things now while you can before its too late. I decided that I've got to love those most important to me because they could be gone tomorrow. You never know what could happen to anyone. I've decided to do things in the moment and not let opportunities pass me buy no matter what try are. 

Thing have been rough the last 7 months. I've thought a lot about life, God, love and myself. I'm learning to love myself, love others better, and love life. It's a journey that's only just begun.

Love always,

Amanda

Before You Get Married

Once you are engaged things are pretty excited and things move pretty quickly. You start thinking about it and you start to wonder. Yes, you obviously really know each other and really love each other for who each other is other wise you wouldn't be getting married. Well I came across an article of 100 questions to ask each other before you get married and I thought it was very good. Also, I believe everyone should go through this list before getting married. I've only included the top questions I believe are important to us that we don't already know.

1. Is there anything about marriage that frightens you?
2. Is there anything you would regret not being able to do or accomplish if you married me?
3. How will we schedule holidays with our families?
4. How would our relationship be affected if for medical reasons we could not have children?
5. If we are unable to have children, should we adopt?
6. How long would you like to wait before having children?
7. What did you admire about the way your mother and father treated each other?
8. Who should know bout the arguments we have?
9. How should we prepare for a financial emergency?
10. When our child is born, will he or she go to daycare or will one of us stay home to take care of the child? Who will it be?
11. Will we have a budget?
12. Who will pay the bills?
13. How do you feel about helping me pay my debts?
14. What are your feelings about saving money?
15. Would you be comfortable transferring all your money into my bank account?
16. Do you trust me with money?
17. Do you prefer separate bank accounts or assets in different names? Why?
18. Are you closer to your mother or father? Why?
19. What influence, if any, do you believe my family should have on our relationship?
20. Do you believe that our parents should know our financial condition, whether good or bad, just because they want to? 
21. How would you react if our son or daughter told us they were gay?
22. Is there anyone close to you who feels we should not get married? Why? Should we discuss this?
23. When you are in a bad mood, how should I deal with it?

Can't wait to have this talk with Gareth and find things out.

If you would like the complete list go to: http://www.lovethegrows.com/2012/11/questions-you-should-ask-before-marriage.html

Love always,

Amanda

Forever Away

Gareth and I have been engaged for over a year now. We still have 404 days until the wedding. It seems like the wedding is never going to get here. I'm more than excited to be married to him and become his wife. It is going to be amazing to me Mrs. Amanda Danielle Smith. I really can't wait for the day.

We had engagement pictures taken last fall. I've been thinking a lot lately and I really want more engagement pictures. I would love to get winter pictures taken. I think they would be adorable and so us. Of course, I haven't talked to him about it yet. However, I have begun talking to starting up friend photographers.

I love him so much and I want as many pictures as we can before we are Mr. and Mrs. It's like once we saw those vows and become a family things will be different. Different for the best, for the good and I can't wait. He's my best friend and I love him more than anything. 

Engagement pictures in the winter? Maybe, hopefully.

Love always,
Amanda

Being Kids Again

Tonight I took Gareth out for a date. We went out for the cartoon date.We made a pit stop to get snacks and drinks which I smuggled into the theater with my huge purse. We picked a miss match of treats and goodies and were on our way. 

He was a little concerned why we were t the movie half an hour early. I paid for our tickets and we went inside. Inlet him in on the secret; we were there early to play arcade games. It was so cute we played everything together and had smiles on our faces the entire time. We did pretty well at the games and won a good amount of tickets. We cashed our tickets in and decided we didn't want anything so we have our tickets to this little boy, who was extremely happy to have them. 

We headed to our movie and sat in usual spot; at the top and directly in the middle. We watched the preview show and talked. It was really nice taking and enjoying each others company again. We watched the upcoming new shows and pointed out what we would like to see.

Our movie started. Of course being the carton kids date, we saw Monster's University. It was such a good and cute movie. We really enjoyed the movie and each others company. We shared a few sweet pecks during the movie and held hands for awhile. It was really nice.

We decided we weren't done spending time together, so we stop at a video shop and rented some more movies.  We came home and I made us dinner; corn on the cob, chicken and Mac n cheese. Of course he had a beer and I had some peach bubbly wine.

It's been a really nice date bonding and getting close. I love him more and more everyday. He honestly makes me the happiest girl in the world. I can't wait for   more dates with him. 

Love always,

Amanda

Pretty Woman

Going from a size 12 to a size 16 is hard; mentally, emotionally and physically on any woman. But what makes it hard is when you have no control. The medicine I take for my heart has made me gain over 70 pounds in a year and a half. It's been very tough adjusting to the new me. It's hard to see myself as beautiful. It's even harder to see myself as cute in anything I wear. But I'm trying to love myself the way I am because I know this was not my fault. I have been changing my life, my ways and my eating. In about two months time I have lost a pants size, back into 14. I was so thrilled the other day at the store when I put 14's on, and was able to button them up easily. It made me so happy. I know I have a long way to go to get to where I want to be before the wedding, but for now this little step proves that something I am doing is working and I can beat this. Please, losing weight helps my heart, which helps me beat this heart disease slowly.

It's frustrating seeing size 2's wear the cutest outfits and know that the outfit won't look anything like that on you. But I've realized it doesn't matter what they wear. What matters is what I wear and what looks good on my body and makes me feel good about my body. I've been doing tons of online research for outfits and been testing them out to see what looks good on my body. I've got to say I'm starting to see myself as beautiful again. That's what really matters in life is to be able to see your own beauty as well as others. Be happy in your skin, love yourself, because you are beautiful.

Love always,

Amanda

I love you to the moon and back

Honestly, I never thought I'd be an aunt, ever. I just doubted it with every ounce in my body. But I love being an aunt. It's the best thing in the world. I love seeing their little faces light up with a smile. I love seeing them do things they never dreamed of doing. I love seeing them run and laugh. I just love them, every part of them, every ounce of them, and all they are. I don't know where I'd be today if they hadn't came in my life at the time when I needed someone the most to look up to me. I guess you could say in a way they save me from the path I was going on. They will never understand how much they truly mean to me for that. Five, that's my lucky number so far. One handsome little man and four beautiful girls. Ages two until 10. It's crazy, it's fun, it's chaos, but it's love.

Emilee Marie

Age 10 

The oldest of the group. She's so smart, she tries to hide it sometimes. She is naturally beautiful. She is great with the young kids and is a leader, even though sometimes being the oldest is very hard for her. I'm tough on her, but it's cause we are a lot alike. Someday I hope she realizes how much I do care for her. We share a love of photography and horses. She's a great girl with a beautiful heart.

Kaedan Allan

Age 8

The only boy. He is so tiny for his age, but that doesn't stop him one bit. He is so brave and not scared of anything. He would take on the entire world, only if his mom and dad would let him. He is so adventurous. He loves to explore and try anything. He has gorgeous blue eyes and these cute glasses. He says "I'll be your best friend even when I'm in high school" I look forward to that and hope it rings true. He is my buddy. 

Gracie Marie

Age 7

Gracie is a clown. She is so silly all the time. She never goes a moment without laughing and she always has a great smile on her face. She loves to talk and I love to hear all the crazy stories she has to tell me. She is a sweetheart and loves everyone she knows. She is one of those people that just light up a room and knows no stranger. She is a great girl with a huge heart.

Bella Marie

Age 3

Bella is my soft heart. When someone else is in trouble, she is crying for them. She doesn't trust easy, but when she does she will love you with her entire heart. She loves to play for hours and hours. She says her baby sister is her best friend and I think that is just awesome. I hope they stay best friends forever. She is shy, but once she warms up she is the sweetest girl you will know.

Hollee Sue

Age 2

Hollee is the wild child. Being the baby of 4 girls, she has a lot of shoes to fill in. She is always getting into stuff and causing trouble. When she gets in trouble she smiles, laughs and says sorry, even though she really doesn't mean it. She is a handful, but it keeps life interesting and fun. Hollee is very silly and loves to have fun. She loves everyone and every puppy, besides grandma's dog Scully. She is going to be one amazing woman someday.

Growing up

I always thought moving off campus was a great idea. I always knew I was ready for it. What I wasn't ready for was the drama of living with 5, now 4 people. I never figured things could be so awkward or odd. In fact I never thought someone could turn their back on the ones that got then through so much.

I guess moving out of my parents and in with friends had taught me a lot. One thing is: nothing ever stays the same. People change faster than a blink of an eye and when they are done there is nothing you can do to fix anything. Nothing goes as planned. Someone I always angry and someone is always unhappy. You just got to ignore it and Try to make it until match without killing each other.

Bills are so frustrating. They are always coming no matter if it seems like you just paid them yesterday. You've always gotta speed money on food even if you don't want too. There's always something needs fixed or something needs replaced. It's never easy.

I've learned to be self-reliant. I've had to do so much more for myself then I have dob in my entire life. It learned when Gareth and I get married and have our own place we won't die. We can cook, clean, and not kill each other. I've learned some friendships aren't meant to last an the ones that are just keep getting strong. It's true love can get you through any hard time.

Growing up is hard, but at some point everyone has to do it. It's not the perfect situation we are in, but there is perfect in the situation. For now all we can do is love, laugh and enjoy each there.

Love always,

Amanda

Ain't Gonna Stop Me

Last week we went to Wyoming. By we I mean: my dad, my mom, my sister, my brother, my sister-in-law, my nephew, my uncle, my grandma, my fiance, and myself. Yup, that's right ten people and two cars out to the great old state of Wyoming. Why? To see my amazing aunt Suzie. 

 

Day 1, South Dakota bound. It took two short days to get out to Wyoming. We traveled in South Dakota. Got to see the Badlands, Mount Rushmore on the 4th of July, and visited Wall Drug. The best part apart South Dakota was our hotel. It had this awesome vintage looking outdoor pool in the middle of the hotel. My whole family swam, besides my uncle and grandma. It was the most fun I've had in so long. Then that night since it was the 4th of July we went out to some pasture with the rest of the town and watched fireworks. Not only watched, but set off our own. You've got to know to set off your own fireworks on the 4th of an Iowan is pretty awesome, since fireworks are illegal in Iowa. 

Day 2, travel day. We got up in the morning and put on these t-shirts my dad made. Back story, my aunt loves loves loves the Wizard of Oz. The shirts said "99 problems but a witch ain't one" with "team oz" on the back. Everyone had them on. We spent most of the day traveling hard to finally get to sweet old Wyoming. We finally made it and were warmly welcomed. My aunt loved the shirts and laughed so hard. That night we enjoyed each others company. Best part Grandma took a shot out of the bottle of some Czech alcohol. 

Day 3, relaxing day. Half of us went on a hike to see some falls, not me. I was definitely going fishing in Wyoming. We spent over 3 hours fishing at the cute mountain lake. Bam, just like that I caught the first fish. Threw my line out and caught another. My mom, uncle Dave and Gareth were all getting a little testy with me and calling me lucky. Finally, my mom got lucky and got a fish. Then Gareth caught one. I was about the give up when I caught the last fish of the day before it started to rain on us. We caught back up with the other group and visited Sinks Canyon, and feed these huge trout. 

Day 4, we traveled through the Red Canyon, which was beautiful. Our destination was South Pass City. The roads there, dirt roads. Oh man were they bumpy and rocky, but we made it there. Grandma and uncle Bob loved the town; my sister, dad, aunt, fiance and I didn't care too much. They are redoing an old coal mine, which should be open next summer. Now, that I would have been excited to see. 

Day 5, Cinderella Tour Company Adventure Day. First off, there is no Cinderella Tour Company in Wyoming. Second off, it is a family joke since we had that many people going to Wyoming at once. Anyway, on with day 5; Indian Day. We made our way to see this amazingly beautiful Indian Church. It was one of the most beautiful things I've seen. Next we traveled to see Sacajawea grave. Yes, the real Sacajawea. Then we followed the night up by going to the casino and watching the Indian's dance. Most people left, while the others gambled. It was a lot of fun.

Day 6, Wyoming Whiskey. We visited the Wyoming Whiskey Distillery. It was really awesome to see Wyoming's only legal whiskey making place and have a tour of it. Of course, half way through the tour my nephew had to pee. So, I took him back to the starting point to go the bathroom. While we were waiting I had the best cup of coffee in my life. It was so amazing. I had to buy some. My brother, his wife, son and my fiance all went white water rafting. The rest of us went shopping around town. It was a good day. 

Day 7, Going home. I always hate leaving my aunt's house. I'm always so sad to leave her. But it was time, we had to get going home. We traveled to North Platte, Nebraska; the half way point home. That day during the drive I got to hot. My heart started beating fast and I fainted; an episode of heart disease showed up. I was so mad I was doing so well on the trip. That night I was only allowed to swim or be in the hot tub for around 15 minutes. I was bummed about that.

Day 8, Home. Half of us went to Fort Cody, while the others went to Buffalo Bill's Ranch. I went shopping of course. I finished up getting presents of my other sister and my nieces. We traveled hard for the next 7 hours. It seemed like it took forever to get home. But finally, we made it. My dog was so excited to see me. I had missed her so much. 

8 days didn't feel like enough time for a vacation, but I loved ever minute of it. My family and I had a blast. The best part my grandma and I bounded and got closer. I'm so excited for our next family vacation to Wyoming. 

Love always,

Amanda

Bucket list of Dates

I've been doing a lot of looking at dates online and I've found some I really like and would love to do with Gareth. After almost two years, dates are rare since things feel normal and we feel like an old married couple. So, put the new love spark back in our relationship we are going to start doing dates. Here's our list.

1. Picnic Date: grab a blanket, a basket and some simple foods for a picnic. Be sure to include wine in there. Trust us, it makes the date way better and more romantic!
2. County Fair Date: Remember in Sweet Home Alabama when she heads to the fair and dances to country music with her ex-husband? Well almost every town has one of those, so grab a guy and eat some fried Twinkies together.
3. Hiking Date: Yes, you will look stupid if you put on eyeliner for this date, and no we will not judge you for buying adorable matching workout gear for this date.
4. Mini Golf Date: Most mini-golf places include go-karts and arcade games. Play them all! It’s the best date and the cure to boring first dates. No awkward silences on this one.
5. Christmas Date: Get in his car and drive around looking at all the Christmas lights around your city. It’s free and it’s super romantic.
6. Beach Date: A romantic long walk on the beach at night. This one should have been obvious.
7. Cooking Date: Pick out a recipe that takes about an hour or two to prepare. Pick out some board games and stay in for a night together. Make sure you BOTH share the dish cleaning responsibility!
8. Camp in your living room. Unless it’s in a cabin, we’re not really into real camping. We prefer to put the futon mattress on the floor of the living room and “camp” inside. Microwave s’mores, wine, air conditioning. It’s beautiful.
9. Stargazing. Pack a blanket, pillows and food, and go somewhere to see the stars.
10. Ice Cream This one is pretty simple and cheap. You can either go to an ice cream shop or buy ice cream from a grocery store, but don’t forget the spoons. You can eat it at a park, by a lake/river/stream/ocean, or just eat it in the ice cream shop. You can even share the ice cream :)
11. Watch the Sunset Bring a blanket and find the perfect spot to watch the sunset. Totally romantic!
12. Cartoon Movie Date Go to a cartoon movie just like you are kids again. Eat popcorn and laugh until you can't anymore.

I'll keep you posted when we get these done one by one.

Love always,

Amanda

Chicago Trip

Seems like just yesterday Gareth and I started dating. Let alone to find out in about 3 weeks it will be 2 years. Crazy how time flies. Looking back we have went through everything; good times, bad times, tough times, easy times, slow times, fast times. Yet, we are still together. It seems like going through everything has pulled us closer together and made us a stronger unit. I honestly can say he's made me a better and stronger woman. I can't picture a day in my life without him some how in it. 

We have this crazy idea that we decided on a whim to go to Chicago for our two year anniversary trip. We are leaving August 10 and coming home August 12. Here's our plan.

Day 1
-Arrive in Chicago
-Visit the Northalsted Market
-Eat at Gino's West "The Original"
-Go to We The King's Concert
-Go to the hotel swim and sleep

Day 2
-Visit the bean
-Eat at the Kerryman Bar and Resturant (Irish food, yum)
-Go to Navy Pier
-Eat at Bubba Gump Shrimp Company (so excited)
-Ride the Ferris Wheel at Navy Pier at sunset (romantic)
-Go mini golfing
-Back to hotel to swim and sleep

Day 3
-Travel Home

I'm so excited for this trip. I'm ready to take tons of pictures. So ready for this.

Love always,
Amanda