Growing up our parents didn't shove religion down out throats. We didn't go to church. Where I'm from church isn't about God, church is a popularity contest and gossip fest. My parents did not think that was the right approach to letting us develop our own ideas and concepts of faith, God, and spirituality should be. Instead my parents let us live. I don't remember praying together, I don't remember really talking about God. I do remember my grandmother forcing me to go to church with her. My sister and I were the targeted grandchild that needed Jesus. Okay, so that probably wasn't how it was, but that's how we felt about it. I was probably about 7 and I just remember the other girls making fun of us cause we didn't have fancy pretty dresses for Sunday School like them. The fact was we weren't rich, we were farm girls and neither of us really cared about dresses. That scared my heart.
I tried going to church with friends, but it just felt uncomfortable and I felt out of place. I felt judged the entire time I was there. I just couldn't do that. I didn't understand. I've read the Bible, I've talked to God, I've experienced faith and I know that in all these things that judgement is only to be done by God; so why do these people think it is okay to judge others in the house of God?
I strayed away from my faith during high school. I felt lost and that no one could help me cause I couldn't even help myself. Being raised a strong independent woman I felt that if I couldn't protect myself and get myself out of the terrible situation I was in then no one could help me. I was been stuck in an abusive relationship for three and a half year. Finally, with a lot of courage and strength I just walked away. I stopped fighting for him, for us, and trying to make things right. I just walked away and had had enough. I hit rock bottom after that. I spent 6 months in a down whirl spiral of alcohol, parties, and other stuff I knew I should not be doing, but I didn't care. I didn't care about myself, I didn't care how I was hurting my family, I just didn't care. I was the the point where I didn't even know who I was.
I shut out my family. I loved my 4 nieces more than the world, but I didn't care. I had never been so selfish in my entire life. I was not raised like that. I hated myself for what I was doing. When things seemed so bleak, a 5 year old with baby blues showed up in my life. This kid was such a sweet, kind, giving boy at first it annoyed me. I wanted nothing to do with him, I figured it was just another one of my brothers here and now girlfriends. Months drew on and this little man kept pushing his way in my heart, he kept pushing his way in my life, he kept pushing me to love again. He saved me. I don't think he will honestly understand what he has done for my in my life.
I packed up my car and went to college. College was hard for me at first. It was a struggle. I still had no idea who I was, who I wanted to be, I didn't know how to be on my own, I didn't know what I wanted from Gareth. I was shell shocked. The more I pushed Gareth away, the more he let me know it was okay to love, it was okay to be happy and it was going to be okay.
I spend most of the first semester of college soul searching. I didn't go to class, I didn't care. All I cared about was getting my life together and finding the true me. The more I thought the more I realized God was always there, He had always been there for me. I spent an hour every night before bed re-reading the Bible and trying to find my way back to faith.
Faith isn't about reading the Bible. Faith isn't about going to church. Faith isn't about action. Faith is not about doing. Faith is about how you are, how you act, and not just about how you believe. I didn't learn this from the Bible, I didn't learn this at church. This was taught to me by my parents and how they let me explore my own faith and spirituality.
Faith isn't about anyone else. Faith is about you and God, that's it. Faith is the relationship you have with God. It's private as you want it to be or you can shout it from the roof tops. Faith doesn't mean you have to attend church. Everyone believes differently. I've never meet two people with the exact same believes, ideas, values, and customs toward their faith.
I've learned that God is everywhere and He is there everyday. You've got to slow down, relax, enjoy the little things and just at that moment you will realize He's there, He's always been there and He will always be there.
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